- Car Talk Steele - Part II
Date: Monday, June 25, 2001
- Lauryn Poynor <lpoynor@zebra.net>
Car Talk Steele - Part II
by Lauryn Poynor
Break. Station ID
[{song selection} Unfit to Drive by the Autobody Experience 2:55]
[Weekly Mail Bag 5:16]
RAY: After that sleep inducing visit to Tommy's Haus of Mail,
I think it's high time we took another call. 1-800-332-9287.
Hello, you're on Car Talk..
DONALD: Hello. This is Donald calling from Tarzana, California.
TOM: Tarzana? Named after Tarzan of the Apes if memory serves.
DONALD: Beats me. The wife and kids and I haven't been living
there that long. We're still trying to adjust to moving from
Connecticut. Well, mainly my wife.
RAY: So I take it you haven't been practicing your Tarzan yell.
You don't know what you're missing. I get a really nice echo
effect when I let loose with one in the garage.
DONALD: You really shouldn't make a habit of it. It's very bad
for your jaw. Why I had a patient with TMJ once who - we'll let's
just say it wasn't a pretty sight.
TOM: Yeah. Mom always warned us not to make faces or they'd stay
that way..
DONALD: Don't listen to your mother. I'm a dentist. I could use
the cash.
RAY: What for? Your kid's braces must be dirt cheap.
DONALD: I guess every profession has its perks. As far as the
money goes that's what I'm calling about. You see, there's this
car I've had my eye on. It's a Jaguar.
TOM: And I thought you were going to say Mercedes. I've always
thought of dentists, as well, uh, sort of Germanic. They get
you in that chair and set out those instruments of torture. Did
you see that movie 'Marathon Man' with Dustin Hoffman? Laurence
Olivier plays this Nazi dentist and he turns on that drill and
- [imitates high pitched whine of dentist's drill]
RAY: The man calls for advice and you slander his profession.
DONALD: That's OK. It's the old image problem. We're used to
it. In fact, the movie probably helped me get into dental school.
After it came out enrollment was down all over.
TOM: Yeah. Except among the really crazy ones.
RAY: Let's get back to that Jaguar, Donald. So you've turned
your nose up at German engineering for a different breed of Coventry
cat. What are we talking about? A Series III XJ-6 sedan?
TOM: With the haywire Lucas electrical system. You know what
they say. It takes four Jaguars to complete one road test. And
boy, when that transmission wears out it you can just wave goodbye
to it. Sayonara. Or should that be toodle-oo, old bean?
RAY: Ignore my brother. He has no soul. No sense of style. You
want reliability, get a Toyota Corolla. Besides, the quality
control on the Jaguar is much better nowadays.
DONALD: Actually, guys, I wasn't looking at an XJ-6. A colleague
of mine has this beautiful, mint condition 1961 XKE convertible.
Since he went through the wringer in divorce court, he's had
this little cash flow crisis-
TOM: Oh, I see. So you're going to contribute to his bank account
and he's going to contribute to solving your image problem. An
E-type Jag would certainly fit the bill.
RAY: No kidding. Even my old orthodontist Mr. Kornpett would
look sexy driving one of those. So, why aren't you behind the
wheel of that Jag right now? Little woman putting her foot down?
How old are you? Pushing forty?
DONALD: Let's just say it's on the horizon. The older I get the
more I feel there's something missing in my life - excitement,
adventure, challenge..I don't know. Some days I wanna change
my name and hit the open road. No family ties, no whining patients,
no forwarding address..
RAY: I thought so. Put one aging male specimen and one E-type
Jag together under laboratory conditions and voila! Instant mid-life
crisis!
DONALD: Frannie, that's my wife, wants to chuck the old reliable
station wagon and buy one of those new fangled mini-vans. She
says they're roomier. If she didn't let the kids run hog wild
the wagon would do just fine. More room would only get them into
trouble. Ever try to sandblast a box of sixty-four melted Crayola
crayons from your car upholstery? As for mini-vans, I don't see
what the big attraction is. It's just that all the moms on the
block have one now and she hates to be shown up by the neighbors.
It's a status thing, I guess.
TOM: Like driving a Jaguar XKE convertible.
DONALD: Busted. You got me there. I don't have anything against
vans, you understand. It's just you never know when something
is just a fad. An XKE, now that's timeless. But a mini-van? Though,
I gotta tell you, I had this Chevy van back in the 70's when
I was in dental school. Man, that was freewheelin.' Custom paint
job, Recaro bucket seats, shag carpeting, eight track tape player,
quadrophonic speaker system -
RAY: Did it have a mini-fridge and a waterbed? A psychedelic
poster and a blacklight?
DONALD: You betcha. Ooh boy! That waterbed! That was the clincher.
Of course I was footloose and fancy free in those days.
TOM: The song is ended but the memory lingers on.
RAY: That's melody you nitwit. Speaking of melody, how did that
tune go? [sings] 'she's gonna love me in my Chevy van, and that's
all right with me.'
TOM: Yeah. 'Chevy Van' by Sammy Johns. How many guys went out
and bought a Chevy van just cause they wanted to get laid. Every
male in America from sixteen to sixty. They made it sound so
easy. Crank up some cruisin' tunes. A touch of 'Van' Morrison
music to set the mood.
RAY: Or maybe Luther Van-dross. Martha and the Van-dellas. Van-illa
Fudge. Steve Van Zandt. Van Dyke Parks. Or for the more high
brow listener - a little Van Cliburn. Get it?
TOM: Who's Van Dyke Parks? Why not Van-gelis?
RAY: Too trendy. We're talkin' nostalgia here. Hey, remember
that 'Saturday Night Fever' theme party we threw for our esteemed
producer? There was a polyester shortage in Our Fair City for
months afterwards. It was a sight to behold! A room full of greaseballs
in white disco suits doing the MacPherson strut.
DONALD: MacPherson strut?
RAY: It's been around since the 40's when that type of suspension
was invented. We mechanics just immortalized it in dance. Although
the platform shoes added an extra element of risk. Where's that
letter from the Martha Graham Institute?
DONALD: Listen guys, thanks for the memories, but I've got to
make a decision pronto. A Jaguar XKE or a Plymouth Voyager?
TOM: Make your wife happy. Go for the mini-van. An E-type Jag
is a money pit. Besides, a dentist can only look so cool. Despite
my brother's Jaguar sales pitch Sheldon Kornpett DDS could never
look sexy.
RAY: He could behind the wheel of that Jag. Live a little! Buy
the XKE. Pull up in the driveway and watch your neighbors' jaws
drop. Not only will they go green with envy but they'll need
extensive mandibular therapy. More money in the kitty for that
mini-van, if you decide to go that route.
TOM: Don't listen to him. Better safe than sorry. Remember the
law of marital relativity: XKE = instant divorce.
DONALD: Thanks guys. I think I'll just flip a coin. Come to think
of it, maybe that mini-van wouldn't be so bad. A little soft
music on the tape player, bottle of wine in the mini-fridge,
maybe even a water bed. A little customization could go a long
way.
RAY: You said it. I know where you can get a great deal on some
shag carpeting.
DONALD: Thanks, but, uh, no thanks.
TOM: I hate to bring this up but my daughter has this overbite
and I was just wondering-
RAY: Jeez. Can't you wait til the station break? At least cue
up a little van music.
[{Song selection} Hey, Little Minivan by the Austin Lounge Lizards
2:58]
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III
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