Soliloquy of Steele
Date: Wednesday, January 16, 2002

Nancy Eddy <nancye@flash.net>

Now, as they say, time for something a little different. This one's for
whoever mentioned that they were tired of the large cast fics... I think it
was Sue. Enjoy!

Rating: G

Setting: Just after the fifth season

Synopsis: Steele does some explaining while sitting with an unconcious Laura.

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Soliloquy of Steele
by Krebbie

She looked so tiny and helpless laying there in the hospital bed, he thought. Bruised, broken. The bandage around her head made her look even paler than she was. A nurse entered the quiet room, inspecting the machinery, writing down readings. But he barely noticed her as he sat there, holding Laura's hand in his.

It was all his fault. If he hadn't been preening before those damned cameras, answering questions for reporters, he might have noticed Nigel Gregory on the edge of the crowd as Laura had, and stopped her from following him.

But by the time he'd realized what was going on, she was already halfway to
the doors of the building. He'd come out into the cloudy London day just in
time to see Laura being thrown from the hood of Gregory's car as the vehicle
sped away, leaving Laura laying there on the pavement, unconscious.

The doctors had assured him that she would be fine- if she came out of the
coma. Her other injuries hadn't been life threatening, but she'd taken a
nasty bump to the head and had been unconscious for- He pulled out the pocket watch- and looked at Laura as the tinkling music began to play, hoping-

But there was no reaction. Sighing, he squinted at the dial. He'd been here
for six hours. When they'd brought her in, he had called Mildred in LA, but
the airports were fogged in and she couldn't get a flight out. Laura's mother and sister and her sister's family were still on vacation in Hawaii, and Remington had no idea how to contact them. Mildred had offered to try and locate them before hopping a flight, but he had no idea how long it might take.

He and Laura had come to London to settle Daniel's estate- and have a second
honeymoon. "You'd have thought by now we'd have figured out that our attempts to get away alone never go as planned," Remington said aloud, touching Laura's fingers to his lips. The doctors had said that it might help to talk to her, to give her something to hold onto. The man hadn't been sure Laura would hear, but Remington realized that he had to take that chance.

"There are so many things I've put off telling you," he said now. "I don't
know if you can hear me, Laura, but I can't put it off the telling any longer. I've almost lost you too many times to take the chance that it might happen . . ." his voice failed as he fought back the tears.

"I don't even know why I'm crying," he told her, holding her hand to his damp cheeks. "Fear, I suppose. No, not fear. Absolute, stark, raving terror at the thought of never seeing your lovely brown eyes again. Of never hearing your tinkling laughter- or your shrieks of anger when I've done something to
displease you." He managed a smile.

"Oh, Laura. Until I met you, I never felt that I belonged anywhere. Daniel
tried, but I'm not sure he ever knew where he belonged, either. Losing him
was hard, Laura. But to lose you would be the death of me. I wouldn't want to go on. I couldn't bear to think about what my life would be like if you
weren't in it anymore."

"I've never thanked you- not really, for putting up with all of my mistakes
and gaffes over the years while I was striving to become the Remington Steele you invented, and not just a person playing the part. Never thanked you for standing by me when Descoine tried to frame me, or in Mexico when you thought I might have killed Keyes. It would have been so easy for you to just cut me loose- but you didn't. You stayed right there, fighting. Hell, you even came to find me when I decided to cut it loose myself. You have no idea how surprised and delighted I was to see you that day in London- I know I didn't show it, but I was. You stood by me then, too."

"I'd never really had someone who believed in me," he confessed. "Not like
that. You gave me something to live up to. A higher standard to reach for.
Trouble was, you kept raising the bar every time I'd get close, forcing me to rise just a little bit higher every time. And you're still raising it," he said.

"I've never told you about my childhood. That's because there was never much
to tell that didn't sound like something out of a bad remake of 'Oliver
Twist'." He smiled again. "With Daniel playing the part of Fagin, you'd no
doubt say."

"While my own name was always kept from me, I believe my mother's name was
Deirdre. As a very small boy, I seem to recall hearing someone talking about
'Deirdre's lad', and then, as I came into the room, getting strange looks, as if those who were speaking feared that I'd overheard and understood what
they'd been saying. It wasn't until years later that I recalled the incident
with any clarity, and by then, it was too late to track down. I spent most of those early years with various names, in families that oftimes declared
themselves to be cousins of mine- but I had no way of knowing the truth of it. As I got older, the homes changed, became less welcoming. Most of them seemed to just want me for free labour in their shops or whatever."

"And those homes became more violent, more dangerous. I started spending my
free time, what little I managed to find, in local movie houses- Fleapits,
remember?" he asked, smiling as he recalled those few days in Dublin when
she'd come running to his side yet again. "To my overactive imagination, I
believed that if I could just find a way to America, things would be right.
I'd find my place." Remington reached out to touch her cheek. "It took me
twenty odd years and a detour through London and half the rest of the world,
but I was right. My place is with you- wherever you are."

"So, I'm sure you're wonderin', how a slip of an Irish lad, too tall for his
age, managed to end up in London instead of New York, eh? Well, you have to
remember that I hadn't had much formal schooling by that time. I had no way
to read the signs, and I wasn't about to ask anyone to read them for me. So I guessed- and wound up in London. And Brixton." His thumb rubbed the soft
skin of her hand as he continued. "Brixton. I know we've never discussed it-
but you were there when I told a client- which one was it? The Rubio case, I
think. Ah, yes. Buddy Shapiro. And that lawyer of his- what was his name?"
he thought for a moment, wishing Laura would wake up and supply it, even
though he remembered it quite well. "Creighton Phillips. You're right," he
said conversationally. "Really, Laura, rolling about the man's bed," he said, clicking his tongue. There was still no response, and Remington sighed
deeply.

"Where was I? Oh, yes. Brixton. Horrible place. But it taught me a lot
about survival. About how strong I was. Things happened there that- even
today I can't bring myself to think about. The things I saw, heard," he shook his head. "If it hadn't been for old Benny-" He looked at Laura's face, forcing himself to continue talking. "Who's Benny? You mean I've never
mentioned Benny Huxton? Oh, I can't believe such an oversight on my part.
Benny was the first person who ever took any interest in me above what he
could get out of it. Little man about so high, bald head that he used to
shine every morning with a towel, he was proud of it. He owned a run down
movie house where I took up residence in an attic room. I thought for sure
he'd toss me out on my ear when he caught me sneakin' in one day, but he just said that in return for my room, I'd sweep the floors. Even let me take
tickets on occasion. But he always let me watch the movies for free." He
looked at Laura again. "What? Oh, he- died. Not long before I met Daniel.
One of the gangs that roamed the streets killed him for a few quid. Nearly
nicked me as well, but I got away. Old Benny didn't deserve to have his throat slit that way. He was a nice old man, gave me pocket change every now and then so I wouldn't have to lift a wallet. That was another thing. The only hard and fast rule he had was that I wasn't to lift any customer's wallet while they were in the theatre. Once they'd left, now, they were fair game." He laughed softly.

"That's how I met Daniel. I picked his pocket. He would have told you that I
only tried, but I did. Got almost a block before he realized it and chased me down. Threatened to turn me over to the police. But he wouldn't have. I think he knew from that first moment who I was." His smile faded a bit. "No, I don't blame him for not telling me. He was right in worrying about what my
reaction would have been. He'd have lost me right as rain. I would have
turned my back on him so fast- After I put a knife in it, of course. I was a
different person in those days, Laura. Filled with such violence and anger-
It took Daniel quite awhile to ease me out of it- but it's still there, just
below the surface. Scratch me too deep, and I'm still that angry young man
that he dragged out of Brixton kicking and screaming."

"I owe Daniel a debt I could never have repaid, Laura. Getting me out of that place, forcing me to learn, to better myself. Oh, I know what you're thinking. It was all about the con. So that I could run the cons with him. But the more I think about the things he taught me, the more I realize that he was trying to be a father to me in the only way he could. By being my friend. My mentor. Meeting him was the luckiest day of my life- until I met you. And if
it hadn't been for him, that wouldn't have happened. He molded me into the man who could someday become your Remington Steele."

"I knew the moment I first saw you that there was something so special about
you. Something- different than any other woman I'd ever known. Do you want
to know why I stayed, Laura? I know you always thought it was because I
thought I'd found an easy score. But that wasn't it. I got as far as San
Francisco- and I came back, because I found myself haunted by your eyes.
You'd trusted me. Believed me when I said I hadn't killed Ben Pearson- as much as you fought it, you believed me. It was something totally new, totally unique in my existence, and I wanted to see that look again- in your eyes, directed toward me."

"It took a awhile, and more than a few stumbles on my part before it happened. Before I woke up one day- would you like to know when I first realized how I felt about you? Why I wasn't ever going to be able to leave your side?"

"That night that we broke into the Treasury. Remember it? You almost fell off of a beam we were riding up to the top of the building? You did fall off," he recalled. "And I caught you. That was the first time that I almost lost you- and I told you then that it made me realize how I wasn't ready for that at all. It made me realize so much more. I realized that I'd never be ready to leave you behind."

"I know. I did leave. But it was only to find out who I was, so I could come
back to you and hand it to you and say, "Here's my name. Here's who I really
am." But I was hoping that you'd still want me to be your Remington Steele no matter what other name I might find."

"I've made so many mistakes, Laura," he sighed. "More than I care to count.
But I'm here. And I'll be here for as long as you want me to be- longer,
probably. You've given me so much. A new life. But if you're not here to share it with me- I don't want it."

He ran a hand through his dark hair, tousling it even more than it was. "I
guess, what I'm trying to say- or not to say- is that I love you. So you have to come back to me, Laura. You have to." He buried his face in the sheet, releasing Laura's hand as he began to cry again.

Suddenly he felt someone gently smoothing his hair, running their fingers
through it. "What's a girl have to do to get a little sleep around here?"
Laura asked, and Remington lifted his head to look at her.

"Laura?" He grabbed her hand, standing up to touch her cheek. "Oh, Laura.
You're okay! Thank God, you're okay."

"If I'd known it would take almost getting killed for you to say it, Rem,"
Laura told him, a smile hovering about her lips, "I'd have done it years ago."

He placed a kiss on those lips. "If you'd stayed unconscious a few more
minutes when I thought you'd been shot in the back, I'd have said it then," he told her, still not sure whether to believe his eyes. "Oh, Laura. I'd better get the doctor. He said to let him know the minute you woke up."

She refused to release his hand. "Not till you say it again," she told him.

Remington brought her hand to his lips. "I love you." He said. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

Laura smiled, and Remington knew that everything was going to be just fine.

The End.

To Recuperative Steele

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