Date: Monday, September 11, 2000
Steele Chic <steelechic@hotmail.com>

By SteeleChic

She sighed and shifted restlessly beneath the covers. Reaching out for the stereo, she didn't even open her eyes as she cut short the soothing melody. Some nights she liked music, but tonight, it only made her mind more active.
Tonight, she needed silence. It was funny really, since she had practically been falling asleep at the computer by mid-afternoon, and decided all she needed was a bubble bath and an early night, but now, as she lay in the darkness, sleep refused to come. Her mind turned over the day's events, then moved on to the day ahead, and mulled over the mutlitude of tasks that awaited her attention in all areas of her life, business and personal alike.

The more she thought about it, the more she remembered some other little obligation or responsibility that had eacaped her, and wondered what had happened to her once brilliant mind. That photographic memory that had been the envy of her friends and colleagues.

And the more she thought about how very much there was to do, the less inclined she felt to do it, and the more insurmountable an obstacle her myriad responsibilities became. She felt overwhelmed, drowning in a sea of
demands on her time, lost and confused. Suddenly, she felt trapped in a life she didn't remember wanting to lead, locked onto a path she couldn't remember choosing, hurtling towards a destination she could no longer see.

Her tears were hot. They burned a trail from the corner of her eye and into her hair, traced a wet path over her cheek and beneath her chin as she cried over everthing....and nothing.

Her thoughts turned from her obligations to herself, her self-image, self-confidence, or lack thereof, her insecurities and her gripping fears. Why couldn't life be easy and things just work out right? Why was it always
such a struggle? Why couldn't she be content? Find a man to love who would love her in return? Why could she not even believe that that was possible? Why couldn't she hold onto the men she'd had? What was so wrong with her that they kept running away? And what had happened to this child so that she grew into a woman riddled with insecurities? How she longed to be one of those people for whom everything came up roses all of the time.

It was then that she despised herself. Hated herself for daring to take for granted a life that others only dreamed of, for weeping and railing against a life of opportunity when so many others could never hope to be so fortunate.

Curling onto her side, she wrapped her arms around herself and sobbed, crying herself to sleep.

The End