A little bit of drunken silliness.
First Season Story: Steele Away Home
"Sshhh!" said Laura, more
loudly than Bernice had been talking.
Bernice giggled and turned to Steele, "Ssshhhh!" she said.
Steele grinned and said, "My sips are lealed! Ha! Thass not right!"
"Be quiet!" said Laura, grabbing at a lamp-post for support, "We have to
think of the neighbours."
"Can I think of the little blonde?" said Steele.
"No! Be sensi ... sensible. I'm in charge!"
"Yes, she's in charge!" said Bernice, "And don't you forget it, whatever
your name is."
"Ren.. Rem .. Rening ... Steele, here!" he shouted.
"Stop! Stop! Stop!" said Laura, "You're drunk!"
"He is!" said Bernice, "I can see two of him!"
"Good! One each." said Laura. She grabbed his arm. "I'm having this one!
This one is mine. 'Sfor me."
"You girls can't go home in cuch a sondition." said Steele, "You'll have to
sleep with me. I mean, at my apa.. at my place."
They reached his building. There were more loud, theatrical shhs from Laura
and some giggles from Bernice.
"I'm shrunk as a dunk in a funk." said Steele as they formed a disorderly
heap in the elevator.
"Up or down?" said Laura.
"Up, up, up to the top!" said Steele.
"Oh, I pressed down." She fell against him giggling, "Sorry!"
"S'Alright." he said, "Down's nice too!"
Bernice pushed them aside and pressed the right button. "Without me, you'd
never get anywhere."
"Without you, I might get somewhere right here!" said Steele, "Once, in a
helevator, I ..."
"You stop it!" said Laura.
"What?" he said, confused.
The elevator stopped and Bernice dragged them both out as Laura answered,
"Looking good. 'Snot fair. I don't go around looking good at you!"
"You do! You are!"
"Am ... are too!"
"Stop shouting!" said Bernice, "You're making my hair itch!"
"Always liked brunettes." said Steele, leering at Bernice. She steered him
to the door. "Door." he said, "Where's the keys?"
"Florida." said Laura.
"Key Largo, oh ... damn! Definitely Bumphrey Hogart!"
Bernice fumbled in his pocket and brought out his key.
"Ah, Miss Foxe! You're a good girl!" He took the key and said to Laura, "You
never carry a spare key for me."
"You never gave me one."
"A situation that I hope to remedy soon!" he said, "Maybe tonight, if you
play your cards right. After all, I'm ... what am I?"
"A fraud." said Bernice.
"No. Thass not the word."
"There are lots of words for what you are." said Bernice.
"Yes, indeed. I'm hard to pin down with a single term. I am
multi-whatsitted, like diamonds. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Marilyn Monroe." He
unlocked the door and smiled, "It's quicker to lick the pock."
They went in. "Make coffee." said Bernice to Steele.
"Then come here." said Laura, "And give me a kiss."
"Laura needs a kiss." said Steele, "Prioritorities, Miss Wolfe!"
"Coffee first!" said Bernice, "Strong, dark and powerful."
"No flattery, I beg!"
"He does!" said Laura.
Steele went into the kitchen. Gravity there seemed to be on a higher setting
and he ended up calling plaintively from the floor, "I fell down!"
Bernice came in. "You don't hold your drink well, do you?"
"I'm only a little, tiny, tiddly bit drunk."
She crouched down beside him. "Is it true you never remember things that
happen while you're drunk?"
"How did you know that?"
"What's your real name?"
"John Robie. To Catch a Thief. Cary Grant ..."
"No, your name."
"Cary Grant." said Steele.
"That's not your name."
"Might be!" he said.
"Where are you from?" said Bernice.
He looked around. "Here. This is my apartment. Kitchen, I think."
"Do you love Laura?"
"You know, sweet, funny, workaholic." said Bernice, beginning to enjoy
"Do I love her?"
"I don't?" he said, sounding unconvinced.
"I meant, yes, that's the question. Do you love her?"
"Laura?" he said.
"Yes." she said.
"Laura's beautiful. Laura's like steak to a starving man. Laura's perfect.
She's got these legs. They go all the way up!"
"But do you love her?"
"Secretly ..." he said, leaning in close.
"Yes?" said Bernice.
"Secretly, I find her very attractive. Maws me like a dragnet."
"Do you love her?"
"Didn't you ask that before?" he said, "I can't keep answering the same
questions. I'm not an answering machine." He laughed. "But they don't answer your
questions. They just say, "Steele isn't here right now, because he's
somewhere else other than here, but if you say 'Do you love her?' after the beep,
he'll call you up later and deny it."
"Why deny it?" said Bernice.
"Never, ever, ever say it! If it's not said, it's not true. Never, ever make
it true! Very important."
"Because, my dear Mrs Foxy-feet, Laura is Laura." He fell silent, a grim
expression on his face as if he had just imparted some grave and undeniable fact.
"What does that mean?" said Bernice.
"I don't know, but it scares me." he said.
Laura swayed into the kitchen. "I called a cab."
"You could have had me ... my bed!" said Steele.
"Do you think it's safe to leave him like this?" said Bernice.
"He'll fall asleep soon." said Laura, smiling at him, "He'll be fine."
"You could take advantage of me." said Steele, "Go on, try!"
Laura bent and kissed his head. "You're so sweet! I'm glad Bernice is here.
Alone, we could do something we'd regret."
"Bernice won't mind!" he said.
"Get some sleep." she said, "There will be other opportunities."
"Am I issyristable?"
"Comleteply issyristable." she said.
"Good. Thought so. Just checking."
She kissed him, "Goodnight, Mr Steele."
"It was a better one, before." he said.